She watched as the smiling version of herself struggled ever more to keep hold of the bubbling demon within.
Everything annoyed her these days. Smiling children. Music. Happiness. Anything that had once been able to drag her out, but that now abandoned her and threw her further into the pit that had once been only a single aspect of her ‘interesting’ life.
She tried to speak, but sadness had turned to anger. She was becoming the women she had never wanted to be. Maybe in a month or so the others would look at her, and simply see her mother. She shivered just thinking it, but perhaps that was all that was left. A silent acceptance of the years to come. Feeling. Not feeling. Feeling too much.
Tears had once been dramatic and panicked- but they were now just a constant. No point in dramatic. Nobody cares. Nobody ever cared. She sobbed in silence, trying to work out whether what she was writing was any good. Too sad. Too self-indulgent. ‘Write what you know,’ they had always said, but all she knew now was tired and darkness and longing to just be able to get dressed tomorrow.
She doesn’t know what to do, but yet she knows what she should. She should get up. She should go. She should step outside of her home for just ten minutes – that’s what the others say, but then they would say that. ‘Why don’t you go outside,’ they would repeat again and again in a grating chorus of happiness. ‘I can’t,’ hardly seems a decent answer to their bleating questions.
It was difficult to sleep; too hot, and she couldn’t help but think that she was in the process of making a bad decision. It wouldn’t surprise her at all – her life so far had been a whole bunch of bad decisions one after another.